Minimizing the sadness in my life has become second nature. It's easy when I simplify my focus to the present moment. Perhaps my biological nearsightedness mirrors this tendency. I like to think I release what does not serve me any good, that I am not wont to hold a grudge.
But I can't sleep tonight despite the cool relief I would welcome to alleviate this firetorched sensation I feel around my eyes right now. I should be exhausted since I only had 5 hours of sleep, woke up at 8 AM and then worked from 1 PM to 10 PM. At first, I try not to dwell on the reason behind this pseudo insomnia. I even convince myself there isn't a reason and, truthfully, there does not need to be a reason as some things just are. However, I don't think the "no reason" rule applies now.
I'd like to say my mind is racing. That there are so many problems in my present life, pinpricks, definite issues. That would be a good excuse. It would make sense to me, enough to trick myself into easing into the sleep I should be sleeping now. But there are no definite answers.
Or maybe there are.
I try to ignore the little voice. You know, the one that pretty much speaks the truth you don't want to hear and sometimes shove ruthlessly into a corner pretending that the words don't carry far enough to resonate clearly throughout your whole being. That voice. Well that voice is telling me that I have let my emotions petrify for far too long and the result is a large, rocky mass pressing against my heart or my mind or soul or whatever you call it. I have the nagging impression that some of those Big Life Problems I thought I managed or am managing through pretty well actually left remnants I didn't know how to or couldn't just discard. Now the mass is so big, it threatens to break the calm surface.
I feel unfulfilled, like I am forgetting something. I feel like something important is dying, something that I shouldn't allow to die. Sometimes it dies, and it's a good thing because the decaying pieces fertilize something better to come. But this feels different.
I am so conditioned to deaden myself against rejection that it's become my go-to option. I worry that I have nothing left inside, that when the situation changes I'll be just a shell.
I tell myself I am strong. Maybe I am. Or maybe I am just stubborn and/or in denial. Is there really a difference? I know I can't change what I can't change and there is comfort knowing that because I've done the best with what I've got at my disposal without compromising what I believe is important. I find pleasure in little things, I can still genuinely smile and laugh, enjoy the people in my life.
But it is 3:10 AM and I still can't sleep.