Thursday, July 9, 2009

Music and 12/5/47 - 7/9/02

My brother is amazing.

At the moment, I am specifically referring to his penchant for incredible music. He has introduced me to Future Loop Foundation and Quantic, truly phenomenal space out music. As it plays, Dragonblood incense sticks burn in a candle on top of our living room television. Such a peaceful feel right now, just me and Anthony.

I have an image in my head; a puddle breaking over the edge of outdoor stairs as the sun sets. People quiet down, at home, readying for dinner or bed. The water traces the concrete, each 90 degree angle before the final rush down the last stair, pouring itself into the gutter. Dead leaves and city trash tumble along in the currents. It's an accidental urban river testifying that as far as we have separated ourselves from nature, we are still a part of it. Comforting.

Today is July 9th 2009, the 7 year anniversary of mom's death. I am grateful to have this day off as I've worked every other anniversary since 2002. My thoughts about her are more enduring, more still than usual. I sense her in my heart chakra. Her eyes are normally closed when I think of her - and I do every single day since 7/9/02 - but today her eyes are open. She seems patient for my acknowledgement, as much a part of me as my spine or lungs.

I miss you, Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet figured out what to be when I grow up. I want to be proud of me, too but don't worry, I am to an extent. You were loved and are still loved. I will love you when I am 30, 50, 80, 103 if I make it that far. And if my consciousness survives beyond this form, I expect you to be waiting for me.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Breaking surface

It's been almost a month and a half since our department received news that the company had finalized the contract. Three waves of layoffs will make way for third party customer service representatives to take over. Soon, another agent - more often than not based in another country - will be answering the phone. Not me. Not Marie. Not Tomasita. Not Chris. Not any of my co-workers.

I have let it sit inside like a stone. Unfeeling. I have not even looked at my resume since being hired on, despite the early warning.

Tonight is perhaps the third time we have all been gathered together to discuss it, although, frankly, there has been little discussion. The majority is quiet. What do you say to that? My mind goes blank usually. Or rather, my heart goes blank while my mind races into walls, probably in attempt to knock itself out. It really sounds more dramatic than it is.

While the Important People spoke to us from the front of the room, the cynic in me could not help thinking how much more this display of support was a means of easing their conscience as opposed to being "there" for us.

It is logical to me that these meetings truly serve both sides. But I don't pretend this demonstration is not vastly to save the company's collective face. To save the faces of those who made the decision for the good of the company. In other words I can still fully appreciate the benefits of this gentle ass fuck as opposed to a brutally lubeless intrusion - and the fact that some people truly do care for us AND the success of the company. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive - the consequences for us simply suck. In truth, the company is a much better company than the majority and I have a genuine sense of loyalty working there. Success on company's part via assimilation? Or mine?

Though I hardly dream of being a customer service representive for my entire life, the job has fulfilled me and I hope I it. For the first time since news broke, I struggled to swallow back tears. Maybe it's because Michele and Erin cried.

But I suddenly realized, despite my logical understanding of the decision being completely impersonal to any of us, I have been taking it personally on an emotional level the entire time, a distinction I thought I was much better at than this. I have always thrived on validation from others. I do not require it to function, to be fantastic but gee golly Miss Molly, it sure does help!

Because of the nature of our department - fast paced, clock hands riding us like a depraved psychotic - validation of the individual's abilities and successes is lowest priority and the importance of resolving any mistakes much higher. The silver lining of that structure is this: I have learned to rely much more on myself than before, a habit I need to continually foster. Trust and self-reliance is not a habit that comes easily to me but I can do it, and do it pretty well anyway. My experience working in this department has strengthened me and I am utterly grateful for it.

But I am sad. Sad to see others go. To know that things are changing pretty drastically for those I have grown to care about almost like a family. Mentally, differentiating work from friends/family is easy but emotionally, suffice it to say I easily fall in love with awesome people.

I also feel that the change is overall a beautiful one, one that has some of us dusting off our dreams and re-evaluating our hopes and goals. And we get to do it together.