Facebook post - July 22, 2014

Dreamt of holding a baby boy up to my chest and liking it. Of having a black rottweiler/wolf puppy mix that attracted 3 adult mixes from the wild to come indoors. At first, Shawn tried to protect me from that knowledge by entering the room the wolfies were in and quietly wrestling them. For some reason, I knew what was happening and tried to help .... But my efforts, I ended up letting the biggest one get through the other door, deeper into the house.

Eventually we got them out. But I kept the puppy with me. He came everywhere with me. One day, I was caught up in a crowd of friends. We were goofing off. One of us thought it would be funny to purposely cram is together so we leaned on each other. I joined in but after a few minutes, I felt the familiar heat spot my against my left hip get less warm. My antics had left me to smother my puppy. I tried to bring him back but he was gone.

Facebook post - July 21, 2014

"Expansion" - A mixed media sculpture with bronze and electricity by Paige Bradley

Expansion

“From the moment we are born, the world tends to have a box already built for us to fit inside. Our umbilical cord never seems to be severed; we only find new needs to fill. If we disconnected and severed our attachments, would we shatter our confinements and expand beyond our shell? Would the world look different? Would we recognize ourselves? Are we the box that we are inside, and to be authentically ‘un-contained’ would we still be able to exist? This is the irony of containment. As long as we don’t push on the walls of our surroundings, we may never know how strong we really are.” PAIGE BRADLEY

Facebook post - July 18, 2014

My doctor recommended/prescribed:
*For anxiety:
Xanax 0.25 mg only as needed for bad attacks 
Continue Holy Basil

*For migraines: 
B12 - 400 mcg sublingual 2x/wk
Magnesium 400 mcg 2x/day 
Potentially cease all oral contraceptive 

*For anxiety, depression, & migraines
Psychiatrist (finally a referral!) because the doc agrees my silly brain is causing me lots of strife and contributing to my physical ailment

Facebook post - July 17, 2014

“You," he said, "are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.” 
― Emilie Autumn, The Asylum for Wayward Victorian Girls

I have decided to go back through my Facebook posts from July 2014 and start inputting them here to track my mental states over time.

July 25, 2014

The Xanax worked at getting the on/off attack to stop turning on. The world felt very fuzzy on it though. As though there were no more sharp edges on objects to focus on. Things blended into each other and my speech was slower, even slurred.

When I first woke, I felt glorious calm. Then as consciousness came along a little more, and Shawn left for work, I felt some anxiety return.

At this point, I'll have to say I got a little lax on the psychiatrist search because I felt like I had the situation under control, even suspected just having options in my purse was psychological comfort enough. Such a dumb ass I know.

Anyway, it returned this week with a vengeance. Funny because I have been making such a huge CBT/DBT effort to logically talk myself down from any ledges, bring sanity to my irrational negativity, and level set when it came to any justifiable "negativity", to actually tell myself the emotions I am having are not me or necessarily reality and to respect them only as such. The week started out quite well. But by Wednesday, I could feel my chest becoming a place of fire and electricity.

I'm now a little anxious about today because I only seem calmest lying down so far. When I sit up or walk around, I feel the edge coming closer.

I'll give it a shot. It is Friday after all.

Hello darkness, my old friend.....

So I'm going to try this blogging thing again. Hip hip hooray.