Thursday, July 9, 2009

Music and 12/5/47 - 7/9/02

My brother is amazing.

At the moment, I am specifically referring to his penchant for incredible music. He has introduced me to Future Loop Foundation and Quantic, truly phenomenal space out music. As it plays, Dragonblood incense sticks burn in a candle on top of our living room television. Such a peaceful feel right now, just me and Anthony.

I have an image in my head; a puddle breaking over the edge of outdoor stairs as the sun sets. People quiet down, at home, readying for dinner or bed. The water traces the concrete, each 90 degree angle before the final rush down the last stair, pouring itself into the gutter. Dead leaves and city trash tumble along in the currents. It's an accidental urban river testifying that as far as we have separated ourselves from nature, we are still a part of it. Comforting.

Today is July 9th 2009, the 7 year anniversary of mom's death. I am grateful to have this day off as I've worked every other anniversary since 2002. My thoughts about her are more enduring, more still than usual. I sense her in my heart chakra. Her eyes are normally closed when I think of her - and I do every single day since 7/9/02 - but today her eyes are open. She seems patient for my acknowledgement, as much a part of me as my spine or lungs.

I miss you, Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet figured out what to be when I grow up. I want to be proud of me, too but don't worry, I am to an extent. You were loved and are still loved. I will love you when I am 30, 50, 80, 103 if I make it that far. And if my consciousness survives beyond this form, I expect you to be waiting for me.

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