Breaking surface

It's been almost a month and a half since our department received news that the company had finalized the contract. Three waves of layoffs will make way for third party customer service representatives to take over. Soon, another agent - more often than not based in another country - will be answering the phone. Not me. Not Marie. Not Tomasita. Not Chris. Not any of my co-workers.

I have let it sit inside like a stone. Unfeeling. I have not even looked at my resume since being hired on, despite the early warning.

Tonight is perhaps the third time we have all been gathered together to discuss it, although, frankly, there has been little discussion. The majority is quiet. What do you say to that? My mind goes blank usually. Or rather, my heart goes blank while my mind races into walls, probably in attempt to knock itself out. It really sounds more dramatic than it is.

While the Important People spoke to us from the front of the room, the cynic in me could not help thinking how much more this display of support was a means of easing their conscience as opposed to being "there" for us.

It is logical to me that these meetings truly serve both sides. But I don't pretend this demonstration is not vastly to save the company's collective face. To save the faces of those who made the decision for the good of the company. In other words I can still fully appreciate the benefits of this gentle ass fuck as opposed to a brutally lubeless intrusion - and the fact that some people truly do care for us AND the success of the company. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive - the consequences for us simply suck. In truth, the company is a much better company than the majority and I have a genuine sense of loyalty working there. Success on company's part via assimilation? Or mine?

Though I hardly dream of being a customer service representive for my entire life, the job has fulfilled me and I hope I it. For the first time since news broke, I struggled to swallow back tears. Maybe it's because Michele and Erin cried.

But I suddenly realized, despite my logical understanding of the decision being completely impersonal to any of us, I have been taking it personally on an emotional level the entire time, a distinction I thought I was much better at than this. I have always thrived on validation from others. I do not require it to function, to be fantastic but gee golly Miss Molly, it sure does help!

Because of the nature of our department - fast paced, clock hands riding us like a depraved psychotic - validation of the individual's abilities and successes is lowest priority and the importance of resolving any mistakes much higher. The silver lining of that structure is this: I have learned to rely much more on myself than before, a habit I need to continually foster. Trust and self-reliance is not a habit that comes easily to me but I can do it, and do it pretty well anyway. My experience working in this department has strengthened me and I am utterly grateful for it.

But I am sad. Sad to see others go. To know that things are changing pretty drastically for those I have grown to care about almost like a family. Mentally, differentiating work from friends/family is easy but emotionally, suffice it to say I easily fall in love with awesome people.

I also feel that the change is overall a beautiful one, one that has some of us dusting off our dreams and re-evaluating our hopes and goals. And we get to do it together.