On Sunday he gave me an ultimatum.
To remain faithful to him. Re-establish some form of US.
I had told him I missed him. Missed us. What we used to be.
It's true. I still love him so much. He's a good man in so many ways. Will be for who ever he ends up with.
But he repeatedly called me selfish and evil. Boiling the conflict down to monogamy despite us being broken up. He repeated that I'm leaving him to "get more dick."
No. Fuck that nonsense. But, I know why he says that. I know he focuses on this one possibility because - outside of the breakup itself - the idea of me being intimate with anyone other than him now is painful. It's interpreted as a threat. To his security, his sense manhood. Humanness.
But it's NOT about that or even him directly.
It's about me. I don't know if he gets that. I am not sure I expect him to at this point. Maybe it isn't even fair to expect he could really, knowing how much we love each other.
Him calling me selfish and evil for my choice to pursue myself is a knife in my soul, slicing through my deepest of vulnerabilities. I'd always thought pursuing anything for me was deeply wrong. Stupid. Pointless. Selfish. Worthless. "Like me."
It triggered all of the old tapes to play at once in the grandest of orchestra. It brought me to my knees over a lake of fire. I was ready to throw myself in.
"I can't."
"I don't want to live anymore."
"Please come over and end it. End it for me."
"Kill me."
"I want to be dead."
"You will never find a guy who will treat you 99.9% as well as I have. You will regret this for the rest of your life. I won't be here for you again. You made this choice. NOT me."
Translation - You fucked up. You are not lovable and you are not worth pursuing this identity search. You are responsible for my choice to close you off forever.
I recognize that I am making the most adult decision I've made in my life.
He is asking me to compromise it, try another route that seems least likely to support my goal, and all because he thinks I'm out fucking other people. Or one other person. Either way. It isn't about fucking or sex.
It's about discovery. He can't understand it. I've tried. It was so important to me that he understand it. But I'm so traumatized by my suicidal scare, I don't know that I have the energy to care about that or consider other paths other than those that are most supportive and protective of my soul.
Because I do want to live. I want to survive. Then, thrive and kick ass.
To remain faithful to him. Re-establish some form of US.
I had told him I missed him. Missed us. What we used to be.
It's true. I still love him so much. He's a good man in so many ways. Will be for who ever he ends up with.
But he repeatedly called me selfish and evil. Boiling the conflict down to monogamy despite us being broken up. He repeated that I'm leaving him to "get more dick."
No. Fuck that nonsense. But, I know why he says that. I know he focuses on this one possibility because - outside of the breakup itself - the idea of me being intimate with anyone other than him now is painful. It's interpreted as a threat. To his security, his sense manhood. Humanness.
But it's NOT about that or even him directly.
It's about me. I don't know if he gets that. I am not sure I expect him to at this point. Maybe it isn't even fair to expect he could really, knowing how much we love each other.
Him calling me selfish and evil for my choice to pursue myself is a knife in my soul, slicing through my deepest of vulnerabilities. I'd always thought pursuing anything for me was deeply wrong. Stupid. Pointless. Selfish. Worthless. "Like me."
It triggered all of the old tapes to play at once in the grandest of orchestra. It brought me to my knees over a lake of fire. I was ready to throw myself in.
"I can't."
"I don't want to live anymore."
"Please come over and end it. End it for me."
"Kill me."
"I want to be dead."
"You will never find a guy who will treat you 99.9% as well as I have. You will regret this for the rest of your life. I won't be here for you again. You made this choice. NOT me."
Translation - You fucked up. You are not lovable and you are not worth pursuing this identity search. You are responsible for my choice to close you off forever.
I recognize that I am making the most adult decision I've made in my life.
He is asking me to compromise it, try another route that seems least likely to support my goal, and all because he thinks I'm out fucking other people. Or one other person. Either way. It isn't about fucking or sex.
It's about discovery. He can't understand it. I've tried. It was so important to me that he understand it. But I'm so traumatized by my suicidal scare, I don't know that I have the energy to care about that or consider other paths other than those that are most supportive and protective of my soul.
Because I do want to live. I want to survive. Then, thrive and kick ass.
Misquoted me and the situation, particularly about the 99.9%, but OK.
ReplyDeleteFor example, your translation is actually all wrong. I'm saying that I believe that you're making a poor decision here, on a few different fronts. I'm not asking you to compromise anything, I'm asking for the same thing that any couple would expect of each other, and your goals are easily attainable within those bounds. Why should I expect that when we're not currently seeing each other? Because you've stated very clearly that you want to date me in the end. I'm tired of being a pushover on this, and you have deeply wounded me with this, and this being a public post. I just know everyone but you thinks that I deserve better than to have someone who wants me attached to them with my heart, but does not wish to attach to me socially. Like I have heard greater than three times from people: "She wants to have her cake and eat it too.". With that said, let's get it over already, if your decision has been made.
ReplyDeleteAnd another part of this, is that you /asked/ me to do this. I've been a pushover my whole life in these situations. But you asked me to learn about emotional intimacy, which I have strived to do for the last month. This is part of it. Not to be a complete pushover. To actually love myself. And I love and respect myself not to let you fuck others while I wait (even not wait) for you to return.
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure I didn't say "get more dick", as well. If you're going to quote, you gotta get it right.
ReplyDeleteJust saw all of these. And yes, yes you did. It burns in my memory.
DeleteIt's pretty bad to post this publicly, when it's this specific. This is some friggin laundry, it's OUR business, and it's yet another poor decision. I do understand if you have to speak to people about things, but this is a little much. Sadly, not only is it inaccurate, it's really only one side of the story. I figured WE were above this.
ReplyDeleteNo one I know has access to this or knows about this except you and one other person. I'm also avoiding specifics.
DeleteAlso, I completely understand discovery, and I told you I would wait as long as necessary for it to occur. I don't understand how getting emotionally and sexually involved with others is a requirement for this discovery. It hurts my heart, as it should and would for others if they were in this same situation. And that's the sad part. You don't understand what you're damaging. I want you to find yourself Chance, I don't want you to rip my heart out while you're doing it.
ReplyDeleteI'm not so egotistical to let it bother my "manhood" and you really should have known better than this as well. You're painting a picture here full of inaccuracies that appears to try to get me or others to feel sorry for the situation you're in. Let me give you a hint: I'm doubtful that there are many others that feel the way you do.
ReplyDeleteOkay.
Delete