Friday, September 18, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
I told her.
"I told her, don't touch me that way. Don't come at me with that sour-cream smile. Come at me as if I were worth your life.... Take me like a turtle whose shell must be cracked, whose heart is ice, who needs your heat. Love me like a warrior, sweat up to your earlobes and all your hope between your teeth. Love me so I know I am at least as important as anything you have ever wanted."
-Dorothy Allison
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Stripped eyes and pantomime
Saltwater layer wraps my eyes, stinging, persistent. Blink and here comes the rain again. Bed sinks beneath a heaviness. Moving seems pantomime and all I can do is listen to sweet voices that are not mine. She is singing through my speakers telling me to run and come and run and come.
It will all be okay.
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Interference
After a long day at work, I come over to Jessie's house in an attempt to strengthen our bond, our closeness. I want peace and love, like any good pseudo-hippie girl wants.
Of course, I come "home" to Jessie's. It is no surprise that her mother has oldies music blaring loud enough to cause serious aural bleeding. I cannot escape it. Jessie cannot escape it. I can only tune it out or leave. How fucking symbolic is this for the interference we are so weary of enduring? I want out. Preferably, both of us out together with a life to call ours.
I woke up feeling that I no longer want to smoke. I have not smoked all day. The only other time this urge occurred was after getting sick with a chest cold, never while "healthy". I have a theory as to why that is though.
I can be remarkably persistent in the way a stubborn 5 year old can hold his breath in a tantrum until he passes out. But this streak can lead me to perceive a situation as being one over which I have little control in that I am not willing to part with one thing for another. So I wait in limbo, growing increasingly frustrated. This everyday wear and tear is coupled with other things, namely the impending layoff I face at a stressful job, separation from people I have grown to care about try as I might to keep work separate from personal life.
I think I have simply projected the control I do have on the situation (but refuse to use, at least on the root issue) to another desire instead. Smoking. Smoking behavior is predominantly intended to soothe, calm, pleasure. It seems counterproductive to curtail a behavior meant to illicit the pleasure I find little of in life right now. But not really. I imagine it's like a cutter that might self-mutilate in order to express the pain within, try to translate some raw, dark emotions into something understandable, perceivable.
I may have just twisted that tendency of mine into a choice that might turn out to be healthy for me.
Right now, I am sitting here with Jessie and Debbie smoking and being frazzled around with the fucking soul-piercing music, people bitching, shit dropping, dogs barking - enough to send me into an anxiety attack. I think the vacuum is about to be added to the mix soon. Normally I would bust out a cigarette but I don't think I will. I'll see where this goes.
It's been several minutes since the last paragraph. It is now quieter - the CD has ended, laundry is just in the dryer - and I sit here alone in my thoughts.
Of course, I come "home" to Jessie's. It is no surprise that her mother has oldies music blaring loud enough to cause serious aural bleeding. I cannot escape it. Jessie cannot escape it. I can only tune it out or leave. How fucking symbolic is this for the interference we are so weary of enduring? I want out. Preferably, both of us out together with a life to call ours.
I woke up feeling that I no longer want to smoke. I have not smoked all day. The only other time this urge occurred was after getting sick with a chest cold, never while "healthy". I have a theory as to why that is though.
I can be remarkably persistent in the way a stubborn 5 year old can hold his breath in a tantrum until he passes out. But this streak can lead me to perceive a situation as being one over which I have little control in that I am not willing to part with one thing for another. So I wait in limbo, growing increasingly frustrated. This everyday wear and tear is coupled with other things, namely the impending layoff I face at a stressful job, separation from people I have grown to care about try as I might to keep work separate from personal life.
I think I have simply projected the control I do have on the situation (but refuse to use, at least on the root issue) to another desire instead. Smoking. Smoking behavior is predominantly intended to soothe, calm, pleasure. It seems counterproductive to curtail a behavior meant to illicit the pleasure I find little of in life right now. But not really. I imagine it's like a cutter that might self-mutilate in order to express the pain within, try to translate some raw, dark emotions into something understandable, perceivable.
I may have just twisted that tendency of mine into a choice that might turn out to be healthy for me.
Right now, I am sitting here with Jessie and Debbie smoking and being frazzled around with the fucking soul-piercing music, people bitching, shit dropping, dogs barking - enough to send me into an anxiety attack. I think the vacuum is about to be added to the mix soon. Normally I would bust out a cigarette but I don't think I will. I'll see where this goes.
It's been several minutes since the last paragraph. It is now quieter - the CD has ended, laundry is just in the dryer - and I sit here alone in my thoughts.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Music and 12/5/47 - 7/9/02
My brother is amazing.
At the moment, I am specifically referring to his penchant for incredible music. He has introduced me to Future Loop Foundation and Quantic, truly phenomenal space out music. As it plays, Dragonblood incense sticks burn in a candle on top of our living room television. Such a peaceful feel right now, just me and Anthony.
I have an image in my head; a puddle breaking over the edge of outdoor stairs as the sun sets. People quiet down, at home, readying for dinner or bed. The water traces the concrete, each 90 degree angle before the final rush down the last stair, pouring itself into the gutter. Dead leaves and city trash tumble along in the currents. It's an accidental urban river testifying that as far as we have separated ourselves from nature, we are still a part of it. Comforting.
Today is July 9th 2009, the 7 year anniversary of mom's death. I am grateful to have this day off as I've worked every other anniversary since 2002. My thoughts about her are more enduring, more still than usual. I sense her in my heart chakra. Her eyes are normally closed when I think of her - and I do every single day since 7/9/02 - but today her eyes are open. She seems patient for my acknowledgement, as much a part of me as my spine or lungs.
I miss you, Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet figured out what to be when I grow up. I want to be proud of me, too but don't worry, I am to an extent. You were loved and are still loved. I will love you when I am 30, 50, 80, 103 if I make it that far. And if my consciousness survives beyond this form, I expect you to be waiting for me.
At the moment, I am specifically referring to his penchant for incredible music. He has introduced me to Future Loop Foundation and Quantic, truly phenomenal space out music. As it plays, Dragonblood incense sticks burn in a candle on top of our living room television. Such a peaceful feel right now, just me and Anthony.
I have an image in my head; a puddle breaking over the edge of outdoor stairs as the sun sets. People quiet down, at home, readying for dinner or bed. The water traces the concrete, each 90 degree angle before the final rush down the last stair, pouring itself into the gutter. Dead leaves and city trash tumble along in the currents. It's an accidental urban river testifying that as far as we have separated ourselves from nature, we are still a part of it. Comforting.
Today is July 9th 2009, the 7 year anniversary of mom's death. I am grateful to have this day off as I've worked every other anniversary since 2002. My thoughts about her are more enduring, more still than usual. I sense her in my heart chakra. Her eyes are normally closed when I think of her - and I do every single day since 7/9/02 - but today her eyes are open. She seems patient for my acknowledgement, as much a part of me as my spine or lungs.
I miss you, Mom. I hope you are proud of me even though I have not yet figured out what to be when I grow up. I want to be proud of me, too but don't worry, I am to an extent. You were loved and are still loved. I will love you when I am 30, 50, 80, 103 if I make it that far. And if my consciousness survives beyond this form, I expect you to be waiting for me.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Breaking surface
It's been almost a month and a half since our department received news that the company had finalized the contract. Three waves of layoffs will make way for third party customer service representatives to take over. Soon, another agent - more often than not based in another country - will be answering the phone. Not me. Not Marie. Not Tomasita. Not Chris. Not any of my co-workers.
I have let it sit inside like a stone. Unfeeling. I have not even looked at my resume since being hired on, despite the early warning.
Tonight is perhaps the third time we have all been gathered together to discuss it, although, frankly, there has been little discussion. The majority is quiet. What do you say to that? My mind goes blank usually. Or rather, my heart goes blank while my mind races into walls, probably in attempt to knock itself out. It really sounds more dramatic than it is.
While the Important People spoke to us from the front of the room, the cynic in me could not help thinking how much more this display of support was a means of easing their conscience as opposed to being "there" for us.
It is logical to me that these meetings truly serve both sides. But I don't pretend this demonstration is not vastly to save the company's collective face. To save the faces of those who made the decision for the good of the company. In other words I can still fully appreciate the benefits of this gentle ass fuck as opposed to a brutally lubeless intrusion - and the fact that some people truly do care for us AND the success of the company. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive - the consequences for us simply suck. In truth, the company is a much better company than the majority and I have a genuine sense of loyalty working there. Success on company's part via assimilation? Or mine?
Though I hardly dream of being a customer service representive for my entire life, the job has fulfilled me and I hope I it. For the first time since news broke, I struggled to swallow back tears. Maybe it's because Michele and Erin cried.
But I suddenly realized, despite my logical understanding of the decision being completely impersonal to any of us, I have been taking it personally on an emotional level the entire time, a distinction I thought I was much better at than this. I have always thrived on validation from others. I do not require it to function, to be fantastic but gee golly Miss Molly, it sure does help!
Because of the nature of our department - fast paced, clock hands riding us like a depraved psychotic - validation of the individual's abilities and successes is lowest priority and the importance of resolving any mistakes much higher. The silver lining of that structure is this: I have learned to rely much more on myself than before, a habit I need to continually foster. Trust and self-reliance is not a habit that comes easily to me but I can do it, and do it pretty well anyway. My experience working in this department has strengthened me and I am utterly grateful for it.
But I am sad. Sad to see others go. To know that things are changing pretty drastically for those I have grown to care about almost like a family. Mentally, differentiating work from friends/family is easy but emotionally, suffice it to say I easily fall in love with awesome people.
I also feel that the change is overall a beautiful one, one that has some of us dusting off our dreams and re-evaluating our hopes and goals. And we get to do it together.
I have let it sit inside like a stone. Unfeeling. I have not even looked at my resume since being hired on, despite the early warning.
Tonight is perhaps the third time we have all been gathered together to discuss it, although, frankly, there has been little discussion. The majority is quiet. What do you say to that? My mind goes blank usually. Or rather, my heart goes blank while my mind races into walls, probably in attempt to knock itself out. It really sounds more dramatic than it is.
While the Important People spoke to us from the front of the room, the cynic in me could not help thinking how much more this display of support was a means of easing their conscience as opposed to being "there" for us.
It is logical to me that these meetings truly serve both sides. But I don't pretend this demonstration is not vastly to save the company's collective face. To save the faces of those who made the decision for the good of the company. In other words I can still fully appreciate the benefits of this gentle ass fuck as opposed to a brutally lubeless intrusion - and the fact that some people truly do care for us AND the success of the company. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive - the consequences for us simply suck. In truth, the company is a much better company than the majority and I have a genuine sense of loyalty working there. Success on company's part via assimilation? Or mine?
Though I hardly dream of being a customer service representive for my entire life, the job has fulfilled me and I hope I it. For the first time since news broke, I struggled to swallow back tears. Maybe it's because Michele and Erin cried.
But I suddenly realized, despite my logical understanding of the decision being completely impersonal to any of us, I have been taking it personally on an emotional level the entire time, a distinction I thought I was much better at than this. I have always thrived on validation from others. I do not require it to function, to be fantastic but gee golly Miss Molly, it sure does help!
Because of the nature of our department - fast paced, clock hands riding us like a depraved psychotic - validation of the individual's abilities and successes is lowest priority and the importance of resolving any mistakes much higher. The silver lining of that structure is this: I have learned to rely much more on myself than before, a habit I need to continually foster. Trust and self-reliance is not a habit that comes easily to me but I can do it, and do it pretty well anyway. My experience working in this department has strengthened me and I am utterly grateful for it.
But I am sad. Sad to see others go. To know that things are changing pretty drastically for those I have grown to care about almost like a family. Mentally, differentiating work from friends/family is easy but emotionally, suffice it to say I easily fall in love with awesome people.
I also feel that the change is overall a beautiful one, one that has some of us dusting off our dreams and re-evaluating our hopes and goals. And we get to do it together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)