I have decided to go back through my Facebook posts from July 2014 and start inputting them here to track my mental states over time.

July 25, 2014

The Xanax worked at getting the on/off attack to stop turning on. The world felt very fuzzy on it though. As though there were no more sharp edges on objects to focus on. Things blended into each other and my speech was slower, even slurred.

When I first woke, I felt glorious calm. Then as consciousness came along a little more, and Shawn left for work, I felt some anxiety return.

At this point, I'll have to say I got a little lax on the psychiatrist search because I felt like I had the situation under control, even suspected just having options in my purse was psychological comfort enough. Such a dumb ass I know.

Anyway, it returned this week with a vengeance. Funny because I have been making such a huge CBT/DBT effort to logically talk myself down from any ledges, bring sanity to my irrational negativity, and level set when it came to any justifiable "negativity", to actually tell myself the emotions I am having are not me or necessarily reality and to respect them only as such. The week started out quite well. But by Wednesday, I could feel my chest becoming a place of fire and electricity.

I'm now a little anxious about today because I only seem calmest lying down so far. When I sit up or walk around, I feel the edge coming closer.

I'll give it a shot. It is Friday after all.