Sunday, July 5, 2015

Choosing Me, Delving Deep

1. Why did I choose me over us/him?

The tipping point - I developed an emotionally intimate, potentially romantic connection with another person other than him. Why? Why would I do that? How could that have been possible?

I realized it's because something profound was missing between us, and had been a core major source of my sudden anxiety attacks. So what was missing? Emotional intimacy, truth, acceptance. I did not fully understand this until much unfolding and validation.

Then I asked, why had that happened if we loved each other so very much? Was it because I had not discussed it with him? No, that wasn't it. We'd discussed ad nauseum. Over 5 years. It was that as a result of those discussion I compromised something I had no clear awareness was super critical to me. Emotional intimacy, truth, acceptance -- all of that equates to meaning. Devoid of meaning, I was out of alignment with my purpose. Things felt off and I couldn't really dial it in.

Well, if it was my purpose, then why couldn't I figure it out? Because, I've neglected myself in favor of others my entire life. Never really granting myself permission to be myself nor explored who that was. As an empath, this combination destroys, smothers out any semblance of chance I have at being Chance, knowing her. If I don't know her, how can I be the best person? The lover, the supporter, the friend, the awesome human I want to be?

Matched with my deep love for him and his resistance to compromise from his side, I'd continue compromising and smothering myself in endless pursuit for external fulfillment that would never come, with meaning muted too low to nourish my parched roots.

2. What's really working in life?

These all work some of the time, especially if I can muster the energy:

Deep, analysis/solution based thinking
Reaching out to mentors and friends
Speaking out
Focusing on myself and the connections that support my journey and success
ASMR videos
Learning more (about self, others, things)
Reading up on the topic
Trying out new things
Self compassion
Anything that helps me accept myself

3. What's not really working and how would I like it to be different?

Oversnacking, an old habit
Deep, destructive thinking
Overreliance on others (including my ex)
Self harm

As for how I'd like it to be different - I'd want to be stronger and find other ways to soothe myself when it feels like everything but suicide.

4. Who is the most important person in my life? If not me, why? Am I willing to make it me?

It has rarely been me. Because I was brought up to believe that I do not matter, that I'm not worth the affection, love, effort. Then I went on to relationships and life situations that perpetuated that, let me rest my pain in those connections, rather than heal them.

But that's what this journey is about. Radical shifting to self nurturing which feels wrong and selfish, but I'm ignoring that for now.

5. What do I need more of?

Everything in #2, more exploration, slow development of healthy relationships

6. What could get in the way? What do I need to say no to?

Hasty decisions around relationships
Long term romantic relationships (for now)
Impulsive things like retail therapy, too much food

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