Thursday, July 9, 2015

Thirteen years

Thirteen years ago today, my mother lost her life to ovarian cancer. I was seventeen, a few months shy of eighteen.

Her life had not been easy. It made my life not easy. My sole purpose had been to get her to love me back. I knew she loved me of course, kind of... But I rarely felt it.

So when she died, Chance died.  I was this ghostsoulthing that still somehow had a body.

For a long time, I knew nothing but two extremes: numbness or pain. I patched a new life out of friends, community college, underage drinking, smoking, and eating junk.

My life in the last thirteen years has consisted of a chain of major relationships, with little more than a couple months in between. Even though my mother was dead, my sole purpose remained fairly fixed: to be someone that other would love. What I wasn't aware of was a silent add on: " ... At any cost."

That add on phrase is no longer silent to my awareness. It's danger is clear to me now. And on the anniversary of my mom's death, I'm mourning the consequences of that danger come to manifestation with a connected awareness I've never had before.

It only took thirteen years and losing the most important people in my life four times to freaking get what I've been doing.

I'm tired of getting myself into these situations. My heart is getting too weary and I'm getting too old for this shit in this brief existence.

So, I'm going upstream to do a code rewrite. I'm letting go of the purpose that didn't serve well. Laying it to rest next to my mother and the others.

I hope that having the awareness will make the next generation code better than its unintentional predecessor.

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