Tears won't fucking stop

All I can do is cry and I don't know or want to look at why. There's something that got lost along the way and now that I've thought to search for it I can't find it. Images of that American Indian woman I once "remembered" being centuries ago spring to mind. I see her clawing at herself, wringing arms and pulling hair and neck. I still see the blood trickling down her brown skin, and why? Because she has just realized that the thing she was looking for can never be retrieved, forever lost. 

I can't stop crying. I have not been this stubbornly depressed in a long time. Often I can yank myself out of it in short time but the quicksand effect pulling back this time has greater force than times past. It worries me. I either want to hide away from everything and everyone or drive far, far away. Neither seems progress toward any end at all and I need to get a hold of myself.

Past

Leaving the past behind is difficult, especially when it is so inextricably woven to the present, and in fact shaped the "now" we know. There is no real escape from the past. Therefore, it is important to know to draw from the past without letting it draw from you.

Commit, goddammit

I crave solitude for the healing. I crave social action for the distraction for a different form of healing. A strengthening exercise to pump me up for the Things That Matter.

I am my own person. No one else's. I am responsible for me. I am the creator and artist of Chance. I want to set aside the weights and pursue a self-created destiny, eke out the life and future I know is for the highest good. But everyone can want like everyone can take a shit - it's biologically encoded for survival. Surviving is not reviving or living. Transcend "want" and transform it into "do". Commit. Goddammit, Chance, commit to yourself or you won't be able to commit to anything or anyone in full ever. 

Internal locus of control is a good thing

So you were upset

About me telling you that I wanted to jump into the technical communication course

And telling you the cost

And you said you felt kept out of the loop

But because I've been talking about it this whole time I didn't feel that way

Also I made the decision to "just do it"

As I was driving home

But realized that it was an IMPULSE

That I didn't research my options well enough beforehand

And that I tend to get impulses/urges to take action when I feel like other things are out of my control (i.e. money, some aspects of us, my future)

The impulse to take action is my way of regaining control over what I believe is controllable

It re-establishes identity I think is getting lost

or threatened

or security

safety whatever "good" thing is threatened

The end.

Last night

Every fiber in my being glowed fire-red and I felt like a hair-trigger bomb. I was going to drown in it. Once it faded, everything was depleted. Damaged goods, like I said. I am so rarely that angry and it almost made me throw up.

I kept feeling a strong presence in my room when I tried to sleep afterward last night. It has been a long time since I felt anything like that so I told it if it existed, I was not in the mood and to leave immediately. It did not work so I read erotica and worked on myself to give the remnant, shaky energy leftover from the inner fire a place to dissipate.

Today I look forward to being a stereotypical girl with Tomasita. We are going to do MAKE-UP fun for the wedding and our ex co-worker Alexis will be the artist. I hope I can still find that package of my contacts.

Damaged goods

I am almost positive I am too damaged to make it worth her while - or anybody's while. Damaged beyond repair.

She disagrees.

Ex Factor by Lauryn Hill

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat Hook

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me
(Repeat) 

Stranger's touch

She admits that it's been so long since she allowed me to touch her, it feels like a stranger's touch when I do. That description is the most perfect way to put it. I feel like I am touching a hesitant stranger whenever I attempt to be affectionate with her.

So, so sad. It is something we will need to work long and hard at. I have to pop the little voice in the back of my mind asking "is it even worth the effort anymore?" right in the mouth.