Army of Me

My days blur, sort of cave together without a job to shape them from beneath. My silver lining is particularly shiny though, because I like that I am now the main shaper of my days. I fill them with events I want, not with the empty minutia of a deskjob. I am still job hunting but the interstitial freedom is beautiful in the meantime. Even my crazy, curly hair seems to swing and bounce freer that before.

I keep dreaming of road trips after visiting Trish and Shawn in Merced last week. It takes me around six hours to drive there and another six to return to San Diego. Three hundred ninety miles each way. Last week's visit was the first time I made the trip - or drove anywhere for longer than 1 hour for that matter - alone. I found such a deep peace in the solitude of that drive. I love driving so much and I crave that same peace again. I can see a glimmer of the appeal a big commercial truck driver's life might have.

Also, I miss them already. I wish there was a way to wipe the distance between us away.

I feel a bit calmer now that Jessie and I talked a bit more about us last night. This period in my life seems ruled by these long talks that are long overdue. We did both pretty comfortably weigh the final breaking up stone in our hands less like a hot potato and more like a curious consideration. That metaphorical stone was much smoother in texture than I expected although the weight was about as heavy as I anticipated.

Now, I am as prepared as I can be for either outcome. Without delving too deep, we agreed to give "us" until January 2010, seeing the therapist in the meantime. A lot of our conflict stems from the incompatibility of our perspectives. She is much more black/white thinking than I am and her expectations match. I am more prone to seeing a small request as a demand or ownership claim and I do NOT react well to that "owned" part.  So much more than this though. It's almost overwhelming.

I am cleaning out my room, my personal space. It seems time. I will be throwing away a lot of things and giving others to Goodwill or mayhaps Craigslisters. Sometimes, taking action on the physical level is enough to help clear the way mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I sure hope so because these are the things I can taste, touch, see, feel, hear and therefore control and manipulate with hands.