Zig-zag for brains is better than shit for brains

It has been so long since thoughts of creating art occur to me as seriously as they do tonight. I imagine painting a woman onto a wooden cabinet. In my mind's eye, she is trying to open herself, hand poised mid-air, reaching for the wooden doorknob sticking out of her chest. She may even be pausing to glance out at the viewer.

I imagine painting a woman on canvas. I glue a key to the canvas where I will paint her throat. She is made of sand like my hemorrhage entry below and the wind sprays aways loose pieces through her fingertips, behind broken mirror shards. 

I read up more on the technical communication certificate program at UCSD.

Sleep beckons but my brains zig zag around. Meanwhile, my body is fatigued from scrubbing the floor/walls, organizing books from an unhealthy position held while low to the floor to do so. Muscles are contracted into themselves and betray the desire to crawl in a hole and scrunch up tight in the dark. I want strong hands to soothe them back into supple cords, to gather the surrounding flesh and detangle all visceral knots. 

I broke a nail for the first time in ages while wearing neoprene coated cleaning gloves. It's irritating.  Emotions are depleted from intense highs earlier in the day and night before but at least my books are in order now.

Jessie and I had our first session today. I found it much easier to talk than I expected but only on the condition I let my eyes wander upward. It was as though staying visually fixed on Jessie or the therapist would freeze the words in my throat. I did not cry. Jessie was so scared of being that vulnerable. I felt bad about that and almost wanted to protect her but I tried to help coax it out of her instead.

We headed to the bookstore afterward to get the book the therapist recommended. I also bought an erotica book, Women on Top edited/compiled by Violet Blue. Upon Jessie's suggestion, we also got Kathy Griffin's auto-biography. I then sipped iced green tea and munched on my blueberry streusel muffin. Jessie got latte and some pumpkin muffin with cream cheese filling.

On a happier note, after Jessie took me to Olive Garden dinner and retired early for my birthday last night, Toma and Jen came with me to Sonic so I could get a lemonberry slush. Our carhop, Justin, was such a riot. He had our brand of twisted humor down pat so we got comfortable with his antics quickly. He gave me 17 of the 33 after-meal Sonic mints jammed in his pocket, wrote me birthday wishes and painted out infant footprints in the dust film coating my car. He also gave me two birthday balloons which Toma secured to the passenger side so they floated up and out of my moonroof. Unfortunately, the balloons snapped loose right before I reached the freeway on-ramp to get back home.

I think that this does it for this entry. Zig zag for brains is better than shit for brains. Hopefully it makes room for clearer thinking and a better connection to my heart.