Saturday, June 27, 2015

Good or not

I am at least three people right now.

Person one pines and begs that I return to him right now. "It's not too late. It's been a short enough time that if I called, he'd be open to working on all the things he said he would. Maybe he could remain patient while I figured out this self stuff. The love is SO good. So special. Don't let it go."

Person two, assures I'm on the right path and recommends patience. "This is 100%  necessary. If it is meant to be, he and our situations will be ready to try again in the end. Focus. The sooner I get through it, the sooner I move to answers and living life and loving as a better person. Stay strong. There is selflessness in this selfishness."

The third is the beginning of who I am to become. I can't quite make out her words yet. She urges I don't sink back into being person one, suggesting like person two, that this IS the way back to healthy love that doesn't require me to be a detriment to myself. 

Life is messy. I vacillate from hope and excitement for the future to deep urges to pick up the phone tell him I'll commit to him this early on. It takes every fiber of my being to say "no", like a true addict.

He promised he'd do anything and everything for me. Change. Even marry me. I believe he believes that. The offer was huge, beautiful, everything I pined and dreamed for in 5 years. I said no, and now I've broken two hearts - the heart of a beautiful, loving man and the heart of a woman too incomplete to bear.

I'm not sure I'm a good person. Formerly my schema for a "good person" did not include crushing hearts and declining love. This means one of two things MUST occur: I adapt the good person schema with the lessons I'm learning knowing my intentions OR I accept I am not a good person at all. The latter sends me into the familiar spiral of hating myself - which is truly unproductive and self-absorbed in the most negative of ways.

1 comment:

  1. Whatever you decide... There is always a chance to start again positively.