Monday, June 29, 2015

Last night, I had the longest breakdown and crying jag I've ever had in my entire life. The only reprieve was a desperate visit to a friend's, but it came back as soon as I got home.

I cried for hours. I'm NOT suicidal but I've been bombarded by more suicidal thoughts in the past 24 hours than I've had in my life.

I called my ex. In a panicked plea. I can't promise him anything since I'm unstable as fuck. But he's the only one I can call for this stuff and promised to be there for emergencies like this.

He ended up not answering. My priority in his phone was too low to get through his night setting. We're fixed that in numb fashion this morning.

It's a relief. But at the same time I'm disgusted with my weakness right now. The suicidal thoughts. The levels of desperation and depression and panic.

I obviously survived, without him having to come over. If he had, there would have been no touching despite the bed to be physically held, but his presence would have calmed me.

It took a few more hours to wind myself up so tight, my body gave up in exhaustion.

I'm so tired. I feel like a migraine is going to whack me in the face sometime soon.

I'm just so fucking mentally and emotionally unwell right now. I'd call out but have two meetings to run.

The bad thoughts are around his judgement of my choices, the thought that he's gone forever/moved on, feeling torn between compromising myself and going back I'll equipped to save my spot or remaining committed to myself knowing he's already building something with intent to be romantic and long term so I'll be too late.

I don't want to put myself first. It's painful. Scary. Judged by the person I love more than anyone in the world because it hurts him so deeply.

He doesn't sound like he wants to be with me again anyway. He says I don't deserve him right now. But right now I want to figure it out in my own. That's not what makes me undeserving in his eyes - it's the idea of getting physical/sexual needs fulfilled by another.

I get that that's painful. It's painful for me thinking the same about him. Seeing the photo of him and that beautiful girl.

The thing is I can't have him wait around for this undetermined time while I figure stuff out. It's not fair. Also there are too many things he and I have to work though in ourselves and each other. Plus we have history that gets in the way of progress, at least for me.

So I chose the lesser of evils for a self discovery endeavor I feel immense guilt for even needing and choosing.

What it boils down to is yes, I seek out physical relief in the forms of various exercises, drinking alcohol weekly, and coming alone or with another.

The latter may not be traditionally healthy in my situation. But it works and I am extremely selective/careful about that, especially since physical is inextricably tied to emotions for me.

I think my period is coming. Because the level of anxiety attacks, suicidal thoughts, and non stop crying was too extreme to not be hormonally induced. I felt like a different person.

I am not sure how I'll make it today. I think I need to take a day off this week to recover.

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