Monday, June 29, 2015

Nothingashes or universe

The neighbor has dominated the laundry room this evening. Looks like laundry day is delayed yet another day.

Another day.

A day later, the life-ending mindgames have de-escalated. Trapped banshee howl to sleepy mumble. Distracting but far easier to let pass without a flinch.

Hard to believe how quickly pretend normal took over.

My skin escaped the hours long attack relatively unscathed. But maiming imagery in my head belongs to a true crime file. Bruised viscera, bleeding wounds, and exposed bone everywhere.

I exist under a glossy novacaine clearcoat. I feel my face smile at people, hear my voice reflex respond to the people around me. I dress the part. Even act the part.

My diligence forging sanity in the work related insanity around me doubles as sympathetic magic for the work I'm doing at the soul level. Yesterday, I was subject to the shitty code of my own legacy programming.

I am not 100% happy with my choices at the moment. My confidence has wavered after last night. But maybe that's because I've lost sight of "rule" 2 - no one gives a FUCK about me - and "rule" 3 - I'm what matters to me because I'm all I've got if no one gives a FUCK.

Losing him is like someone I love having died. Knowing I'm ultimately responsible for pulling the plug is devastating. Now we're both trying to breathe on our own. He seems to be beating the odds. I started promising enough but I'm struggling to make it.

Yesterday I flailed in angst to plug it all back in. The oxygen deprivation burned holes into my lungs and heart. All the poison and pain choked me up.

To no avail. He was not responsive. I was scared for my life. He promised to be there for me in emergencies, insisted I go to him, despite relationship status.

But through no fault of his own, he was not.

Maybe the message, my lesson here is just one in self sufficiency. I learned this lesson quite young being so underparented. But my coping strategies were all not all the best.

Now my situation may be giving my the opportunity to cope better, to grow stronger. The opportunity has come at great personal loss, risk, pain, and destruction. In my mind's eye, I'm looking in a mirror and seeing myself wrapped in nothing but nakedness and fire. The skin crisps and crackles in various spots, with burning embers spitting sparks through the charred cracks in my flesh.

No one wants to get close to an on-fire person.

My imagination wanders to a possible future state, where I've mastered the fire and all the burning embers become stars in a brand new internal universe and all lost sound finds a home to live, propogate, and evolve into song, story, and meaning.

I prefer that future to the other - burn and collapse into nothingashes.

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