Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Three rules

Woke to 4:30 AM ringing in my ear. First thoughts were, "This is the day. Don't you fucking do it. Just get the fuck up. Fuck everything. GET. UP. YOU. WHORE."

I did. 

Stared my stress induced acne-marred face in the eye. "I don't care." 

Popped in contacts. "You're fine. Because you don't care."

Slipped on the yoga pants. "It's awful but you're still alive."

Shirt. "Fuck it."

Socks. One inside out. "Who gives a fuck."

Strapped my mobile phone to my arm like a gun. "Yes. You pathetic piece of shit."

Hooked the earbuds into my ears. "That's more like it, bitch. IV the loudest, fucking electronic station into your stupid, beautiful, fucking skull. You hear me!?"

I did.

Then, I ran. I kept running. 10 minute mile. Maybe less. My best one yet.

It pleases me. And yet it doesn't matter.

Today is the day. Finality rings louder than the alarm. 

As I sit in evaporating sweat, here to write whatever comes to mind, the rules come to mind.

What rules? More principles. But I am going to think of them as rules. It's survival, you understand.

I've been asked to contemplate. These rules are bullshit. Because absolutism is bullshit. 

But, absolutes are talismans. Tools to projectile me out of muddy empathy, emotion, uncertainty, duress. The rules I was given are:

Rule 1 - You're a whore.
"Are you a high priced whore? Or a cheap whore?"

Rule 2 - No ONE gives a fuck about you.
"Who the fuck cares? No one. What matters to them is THEM. So I ask again - why DO YOU care so fucking much? Think about it."

Rule 3 - You are ALL that fucking matters. You mean EVERYTHING.
"You ARE a THEM to them. What matters to YOU is YOU. Fuck 'em. Since you are all that matters. What the FUCK do YOU care about? Really, really?"

See? All lies. Incomplete. Totally stark. Skeleton without flesh. 

But it's all true. For every single human that pops out of a womb somewhere. 

I want to be a high priced whore.

I want to give a HUGE fuck about LIFE.
Transcend a legacy because I'm strong enough to see it for what it is and call it unacceptable for me. Then, create a new one from the raw, untouched path before me.

Eke out an existence - not out of some exciting adventurism (although, I can wear that filter for limited periods) - but out of pure necessity. This is required to live.

Anything else is NOT living. NOT living = dead/might as well be dead.

Survival. My depression near suicide years ago taught me the same thing. If nothing about me matters, I can DO anything.

It's freeing. It is life. I found it again.

And why the FUCK would I waste life?

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