Saturday, June 27, 2015

Pathetic & who cares

It's quiet inside today. Gray overcast seems to muffle things outside to soft humming. The lone exception being the woman digging through the garbage, having a rowdy conversation with another woman digging in bins across the way, playing a music box she just found. 

I'm sitting here in a towel because I'm too lazy to get dressed after my shower. I'm posthungover from a wonderful night with a good friend.

I'm alone now. It feels weird. There is dull tension in my chest, as if to ponder, "Does this feel good? Or is this awful?" I'd venture with the three people I now seem to be simultaneously, it's likely both.

I emailed him today to ask him where the SD card is with all of our pictures and videos on it. He has not replied yet. He said he'd quit computers, that he was addicted and it led down our path to ruin. I see its contribution but am unsure of its weight in our breakup.

Anyway, if he vastly reduced his computer usage or connectivity through electronics, then I'll probably be waiting a while. 

That's not the only thing I emailed him today. I have achings to be with him again. The lure of his impassioned promises feed my malnourished emotional bank. I told him I miss him. That I love him. That I do contend with these urges to be with him again right now rather than wait. I nearly caved and called him in a particularly horrific 5 minute period of time today.

It's really, really bad.
  • Chewed cuticles
  • Excess snackings 
  • Urges to indulge retail therapy (which I have given in to more than I'd prefer - and while most are justifiably "needed" items, a few have not been)
  • Crying uncontrollably
  • Alcohol consumption increase (I'm kind of okay with this one since I don't often have more than 1 a day)
  • Depression
  • Anxiety so bad it's physical
  • Stress induced acne
  • Less professional than I prefer to be
  • Difficulty focusing
I'm intermittently numbed out beyond capacity which makes it difficult to get consistently excited or joyful for what IS going well. Fortunately I do have good friends and family and some interesting development with my career to grant me reprieve. They bring balance to my life and help me restore my focus.

My brother's birthday is Monday. I spoke with him this morning before he headed to bed for the day. He seemed so distant from me. I'm worried I let too much time pass between visits and that he resents me. His schedule flip flop of daysleeping and night wakefulness is worrisome too though not unexpected entering summer months.

I plan to stop by nonetheless, fears and all. My Pop agreed to accompany me to the Filipino bakery to get some birthday treats. He's a sweetie.

Suddenly, I'm being hit with a wave of exhaustion, like a brick to my chest. My head feels heavy.

This is all so pathetic. 

I don't think I care enough though and I'm nice enough to myself now to know it's okay that I'm not adulting as well as I have or could when feeling the equivalent grief to that of someone close dying.

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