He's packing. Right now.
I'm at work.
Before I left, we were talking. I paused to forcefeed myself. Styrofoam with marshmallow. Almond milk.
He began to pack.
In front of me.
I yelled at him. "Don't DO that shit in front of me! What the fuck! I don't want to SEE that. You can't WAIT until I just freaking leave?"Growly.
He cowered. Confused. "You're going to understand one day why I would not have known it wasn't okay to pack in front of you."
I think I do. And I don't like it. It's unfair. But this. This is what has always been the gap. Yet this has been the healthiest relationship either of us have been. Love. Communication. Effort. Investment. On this we agree.
I gave my boss the heads up. In case I go missing later today. I predict I lose focus now. But also around midday.
"He's packing right now."
".Right now, right now?.............Was it your choice?"
"....Kind of." Swallow. "No. Yes, it was."
"Does he not want to go?"
"No. He was.....'happy'. But yes, he does because he knows I want to be alone and doesn't want to be around that."
We talk through it some more. Just at the surface but her eyesight is keen enough to see the bottom from here somehow. She understands my situation more precisely than any of the three people I've divulged this information to. With the least detail.
She then shares a nearly identical scenario. Her thoughts, her behaviors during. I am floored at how far inside my brain she gets. She does have a degree in psychology, however. Maybe I should not be surprised.
I should be working by now. I only meant to type here prior to the start of my shift. That was 22 minutes ago now.
What is it that I want?
I want to be understood. To truly be known. To be loved. To understand, to know, to love.
I want to WANT and not NEED someone in my life.
I want to be whole and happy in standalone mode. I have not been happy in standalone. That is why I think most of this is just me, not him. I can't help but think of Fiona Apple, "But these hands are just too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love."
I'm at work.
Before I left, we were talking. I paused to forcefeed myself. Styrofoam with marshmallow. Almond milk.
He began to pack.
In front of me.
I yelled at him. "Don't DO that shit in front of me! What the fuck! I don't want to SEE that. You can't WAIT until I just freaking leave?"Growly.
He cowered. Confused. "You're going to understand one day why I would not have known it wasn't okay to pack in front of you."
I think I do. And I don't like it. It's unfair. But this. This is what has always been the gap. Yet this has been the healthiest relationship either of us have been. Love. Communication. Effort. Investment. On this we agree.
I gave my boss the heads up. In case I go missing later today. I predict I lose focus now. But also around midday.
"He's packing right now."
".Right now, right now?.............Was it your choice?"
"....Kind of." Swallow. "No. Yes, it was."
"Does he not want to go?"
"No. He was.....'happy'. But yes, he does because he knows I want to be alone and doesn't want to be around that."
We talk through it some more. Just at the surface but her eyesight is keen enough to see the bottom from here somehow. She understands my situation more precisely than any of the three people I've divulged this information to. With the least detail.
She then shares a nearly identical scenario. Her thoughts, her behaviors during. I am floored at how far inside my brain she gets. She does have a degree in psychology, however. Maybe I should not be surprised.
I should be working by now. I only meant to type here prior to the start of my shift. That was 22 minutes ago now.
What is it that I want?
I want to be understood. To truly be known. To be loved. To understand, to know, to love.
I want to WANT and not NEED someone in my life.
I want to be whole and happy in standalone mode. I have not been happy in standalone. That is why I think most of this is just me, not him. I can't help but think of Fiona Apple, "But these hands are just too shaky to hold. Hunger hurts but starving works, when it costs too much to love."
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