Sunday, May 3, 2015

Rambling and La Mesa Nights Nostalgia

There's more sunlight here than there was yesterday I found myself tapping away.

I've filled my first weekend back with running. To or from, I can't be sure. There is a shift inside and I am ill equipped with an experience comparison to project outcomes or trajectories.

Back on the river with no paddle.

I've let the right-brain impulses breathe a bit of freedom. Cautiously optimistic they may be on to something and that I should not lock them up so tight as I did. I try not to judge myself so harshly but old habits die hard. I only wanted to promote stability in my life and succeeded. Now I've got to remedy the byproduct staleness so I can grow.

Stale. Life and risk and soft exposed parts.I watch a worry fly by. Remain objective. Chance. Remain objective. Feel and let it pass.

A plastic bag drags itself across the ground grit outside. The scraping is rough in my ears between my teeth. Raw on my insides and heart. Remain objective. Let it happen, ease in to it. Don't resist.

I won't lie. I'm scared. The panic, sadness, guilt. The love. Anger. All of it engulfs me at the throat and makes my whole face hurt. The pain travels in to my forearms, my palms, buzzing at fingertips. My hands find their way between tapping to massage and encourage resistance to drop.

When I was 19, Micheal and I used to chainsmoke Misty Menthol 120s, drink vodka, and improv poetry into the uncaring night air. Occasionally, I'd be sober enough to get a notepad and pen so we could record some of it. Most of it was great. Some of it was shit. We loved it all.

We spent hours on his La Mesa patio, philosophizing, bullshitting, crying, laughing about our silly social circle dramas and lamenting about the world, fantasizing about socialism and a world that loved. We were two peas in a pod. Brother and sister from another mister. I miss that guy, those times. We are different people but I always look back fondly.

We never skipped our ritual. Not even for the California fires of 2003.

Different people. That was at least 2 mini lifetimes ago. Maybe 3 of this one is dying. We die many times during our lifetimes, the way I see it. I'm not sure this one is going to be easy.


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